A hundred thousand million people will tell you why you should go ahead and buy that brightly-colored, very comfortable, maybe a little too narrow yoga mat neatly rolled in the corner of the fitness store. You will become flexible, you’ll attract the opposite sex in swarms, you’ll be in and trending, you’ll finally lose weight…
How about some honesty? Here’s shining some light on the flip side of practising yoga…
1. It will make you do math.
You will find yourself calorie counting (and recounting because of your math skills) every time you look at food, even when it’s just on display on the bakery shelf.
Yoga will make you take notice–real notice–of what you’re about to eat. You’ll be categorizing ‘healthy’ and ‘not healthy’ all the time. In no time you will see drastic changes in your body (read: slimmer). Not only will the local pizza place lose out on a loyal customer, your tummy and taste buds will hate you for it. Are you willing to be the disappointment?
2. It will ruin your weekends (and weekdays, if applicable).
Weekends are when most of us (particularly the single, living-it-up, late-nighters sort) intentionally let our hair down and dance into the night (and dawn). Clubs, movies, and socials are just the regular for us regular Joes. Imagine waking up at sunrise the following day and dragging yourself out of bed and onto the yoga mat.
Unacceptable? Yoga is not for you. Only those less phobic of the alarm clock and less addicted to hangovers can dare to adopt this disciplining practice.
3. You will be forced to adult.
Cannot adult today? Yoga is definitely not for you. The sense of responsibility and integrity it will (for sure) instill in you may be too much to handle for your Peter Pan heart.
Besides, how will you be able to blame John for not shooting out those important mails (which you were supposed to) without a pricking conscience?
4. You can no longer be a Vicki.
Thought that would ring a bell. (For those who didn’t watch Small Wonder, she’s a robot girl.) Most of us live each day mechanically, android-like. We go about our to-do lists, make some money, barely spend time with our loved ones, and repeat. What about a little soul searching, a new perspective on life, a spiritual journey, a re-evaluation of why we exist?
Yoga does all of this through meditation, the hard core kind. Self-inspect to see if you’re willing to succumb to positive change.
5. It will kill the theatrician in you.
If you fill your days with drama and revel in it,…
…yoga is not a feasible way of life. Yes, way of life. Yoga teaches you how to be peaceful. It tames your amygdala (read: emotion center of the brain), making you a go-to person for your kids, friends, and colleagues (hopefully your spouse, too). You may lose ‘friends’ who will now find you ‘boring.’
6. You will have to renounce the title of rumormonger.
And of course that would just upset your curious, prying spirit.
Yoga will condition you to exercise your grey matter thinking and talking about more relevant topics like who to elect as president than who spent the night at your neighbor’s house. Why learn to appreciate everything around you and miss out on teenage girl FYIs by doing yoga?
7. Your license to judge will be invalidated.
The self-confidence and ego boost you get from criticizing people…
…will take a punch in the face.
Yoga makes you look beyond what appears to be and forces you to scan for goodness in people. What a bummer for the shallow-hearted!
8. It will ruin your Fashion Week looks.
A pair of figure-hugging cotton yoga pants with a tank top is so not alluring when compared to the uncomfortable skinny jeans tucked away in the lowest shelf of your closet (because you’re waiting to fit into it).
Yoga will transform your wardrobe into more wearable, comfortable clothing (You’ll be buying yoga tights in bulk). Are you willing to make that sacrifice?
9. It will elicit the cry baby in you.
The yoga instructor mentions ‘listen to your own breath’ and you think of your mother’s breath when you were nestled in her arms. You miss her and tears roll down…in front of twenty five other people!
Yoga will make you delve deep into your heart and force you to confront eschewed emotions, in public or not. Reconsider the opportunity to discover yourself or you may find yourself breaking down more than you’d like to.
However, people’s opinions is what matters at the end of the day, right?
10. It will make you feel guilty about everything self-destructive.
If tobacco, alcohol, marijuana, etc. are your oxygen, yoga is not for you. Yoga makes you more conscious (even annoyingly so) about your health—your eating habits, sleep patterns, exercise routine, everything! You will want to take care of your body as you begin to enjoy the benefits of doing so.
But the question is…what happens at the next house party when you’re offered a blunt? Do you want to be the buzz kill?
Now that you know the dark side of yoga, what are you going to decide?