If the sex is boring you and you’re never feeling satisfied, it’s high time you stop putting yourself through this ordeal. Sex isn’t just about your partner, it’s also about how much it satisfies you.
It’s hard, however, for most of us to tell our partners upfront what we want when it comes to sex. Some of us find it intimidating, some of us just find it awkward. You don’t want to offend your partner after all – and make him or her think she isn’t good enough for you!
Indeed, asking for you want in bed is a skill that requires a certain amount of tact. If you don’t practice good sexual communication, you may end up hurting or frustrating your partner and that will only serve to drive him or her further away from you, both sexually and emotionally.
Whether it’s a newly blossoming relationship and you’re just getting into the groove, or you’ve been with your main squeeze for a while and just want to spice things up a little bit, a little subtlety in delivery can go a long way in turning the heat up in between those sheets.
Signs You’re Doing It Wrong: Ask The Right Way
Here are some ways you may be being insensitive to your partner by asking for what you want the wrong way, thereby sabotaging yourself. Instead, try some of these little tips to broach the topic so that your partner is more receptive to your needs.
1. You Act Like It’s Your Right
You do have the liberty to ask for what you want in bed, by all means, but that doesn’t mean your partner has to fulfill those desires right away without question. For instance, if you’re getting annoyed with your partner for not agreeing to go down on you for 45 minutes, you’re under the impression that it’s her duty to fulfill your every little whim and that’s just downright mean.
Don’t demand. Request, instead. You don’t want to make your partner feel bullied or harassed.
Try this: If you have the tendency to demand too much, try to frame your sentences with praise. Be mindful of the fact that your partner is trying his or her best, and make it a conscious act of acknowledging the effort.
At the same time, make sure you don’t slack off when it comes to your partner. It takes two to make great sex, and you should make sure you spend enough time satisfying your partner’s need as well.
2. You’re Being Too Finicky
It’s necessary to give a few details when it comes to telling your partner what you want – like saying “a little gentler please” or “squeeze a little tighter.” This helps your partner gauge the flow and gives him or her a sense of direction.
However, avoid getting into too many specifics. Making things sound technical by shooting out instructions one after the other will end up confusing and frustrating your partner, especially if you’re being impatient or using an unkind tone.
Remember, you want to teach your partner how to pleasure you in bed, and the process of teaching is slow and steady. You don’t want to sound too dictatorial.
Try this: Use your hands to physically show your partner the right way. He or she could be close, but why not get them to do it right? Take their hand and slide it to your sweet spot. Show signs of encouragement like soft moaning or heavy breathing, and they’re bound to get the hint.
If they don’t get it quite right, let it go; you can always try again the next time. You don’t have to make sex perfect for it to be fun!
3. You’re Acting Too Superior
It is a sad fact – people in long-term relationships are more likely to stop being kind each other, especially when it concerns sex.
Usually, the whole superior air comes from you thinking you know everything about sex and your partner doesn’t. When your partner makes a mistake, you snap at him. When you have to ask your girlfriend for something, you get frustrated with the fact that you have to even ask to begin with because it’s so obvious according to you.
Once again – remember, you’re requesting, not demanding. Put your words across respectfully and kindly so as not to hurt your partner. Remember, he or she is, after all, a person – one who you may even be in love with.
Try this: Sometimes, reflecting together on the sex that you’ve just had can be extremely helpful for both you and your partner.Post-coital time is very important for letting your partner know honestly and openly about how you felt and what you think ought to be tried next. Don’t forget to listen to what your partner has to say about this. He or she may even think of things that haven’t crossed your mind! This activity will serve to bring you both closer and can set the stage for more successful sexual encounters in the future.
4. You Keep Fighting About The Past
If you’ve been with your partner for a while, odds are you’ve had a few experiences where your partner didn’t give in to your wishes. It could be that he or she wasn’t comfortable performing oral sex, or didn’t live up to your expectations when it came to role-playing one of your fantasies.
Nagging is very common in pretty much every long-term relationship, and one should make a conscious effort to stop this immediately, especially in the bedroom. Dredging up the past repeatedly and harping on each other’s mistakes will not let either of you move on and who can possibly indulge in great sex after that?
Try this: If you want things to be different, learn to start making some space for change. Avoid bringing up past experiences when you’re in the middle of sex and don’t make sarcastic remarks. Do not whine and compare with the past, and ask directly for what you want at that very moment, for instance, “Do you think you can get on top?” rather than complaining, “You don’t want to get on top of me like you used to before” right after you’ve finished.
5. You Leave No Room For Spontaneity
While it’s all hunky-dory to know what works for you in bed and asking for things, being too detailed and specific with communicating what you want can suck out all the fun out of a sexual interaction. It can make your partner feel too pressured and stifled and the sex will start feeling very robotic and predictable.
It’s not necessary for you to have to do every little thing you want every single time. There are so many new things to explore and experiment with in the bedroom, so why limit yourself? Work with your partner towards finding a balance between doing the things you know you like, and exploring the new. Ensure to allow your partner some creative freedom as well when it comes to bedroom activities.
Try this: Try sending your partner a video of something that you think you should try, but haven’t yet. Or leave them a text with subtle hints of what you’re looking forward to – and leave it at that. You’ve now put the ball in your partner’s court and your message will get him or her excited just thinking about trying it out. Leave it to your partner to figure out how to get down to business when they meet you next instead. This way it will keep both of you anticipating and the sex will be a lot steamier and fun.
If you think you do none of the above but your partner still refuses to listen to what you want, it’s time you introspect about your relationship. Your partner could either not be mature or respectful enough to be in a relationship with someone who is clear about what he or she wants. Such tendencies are seldom confined only to the bed and it’s possible that it could spill over to other aspects of your relationship in the future.
