There are many parents that dread the time when they have to talk to their children about the proverbial birds and bees. In a culture that isn’t open about sex and sexuality, it can seem uncomfortable and awkward to talk to your children about this sensitive topic. This doesn’t mean that children stop asking questions though, and it certainly doesn’t mean that the “talk” has to be dreaded. Many children start asking questions about sex, pregnancy and babies when they are as young as 3 years old, so it’s better to be prepared with something rather than be surprised in the moment and be unable to answer questions as well. There is no specific time that you should talk to your children about sex; it always depends on what the child is asking, the situation and the family dynamics. Since parents have to be prepared, below are some ways you can approach the topic as per the age group:
1. Ages 3 to 7
You might be surprised about your child asking you questions at this age, but it certainly happens. Children begin to realize sex and gender differences among themselves by the time they are 4 or 5, and might ask you questions about why their genitals are different, or why they have to wear different types of clothes. Children can also pick up on a lot of things they hear, so they might talk about how mommies and daddies come together to make a baby, or talk about how the baby comes out of a mommy’s stomach. These questions are asked because children are naturally curious, and you can approach the topic of sex without going into too much detail. If your child asks about sex differences, you can tell them that their genitals are what make boys and girls different. If your child asks about where babies come from, a direct answer would be preferable, such as: babies come from mommies and daddies; or, babies are made when mommies and daddies are together. Children don’t have the ability to grasp important concepts, and their curiosity can be addressed truthfully without having to worry about what they might understand.
2. Ages 8-11
This might be the age where most parents have to talk to their children about sex, because though children might seem young, they are maturing rapidly, both physically, emotionally and mentally. By this time, children have definitely heard the word “sex”, and may even be aware of what it exactly is. Many children will also hit puberty at this time, so it is important that you address the topic truthfully and thoroughly without making it awkward. Use any moments that give you a pathway towards the topic, such as a pregnancy or a birth in the family, or even in a movie. Most often, children already know what happens during sex, but clear up any misconceptions they have about it. Talk to them about the biology of everything, including what pregnancy is and where babies actually come from. They might come up with questions of their own, so address them even if it seems like too much information for them. If you aren’t the one telling them, there are friends, cousins and siblings who WILL tell them. This is also a great age to make your children more comfortable with the topic as well as with you. You want them to come to you without having to fear punishment or anger. It is highly possible that the “talk” doesn’t have to be one long, drawn out and awkward talk, but a series of small talks that are spread over a period of time. This helps both of you become more comfortable with the topic.
3. Ages 12-15
Children by now know what sex is, the biology behind it (thanks to sex-ed and biology classes) and may even want to experiment themselves. Most children will hit puberty by this time, and might start to develop sexual feelings. This doesn’t mean that they understand the other factors that relate to sex, such as consent, emotional attachments, relationships, consequences, and the idea of safe and protected sex. It is crucial that you address these topics now, and teach them the emotional side of sex. Try not to make sex look like a forbidden fruit, as this only encourages children to withdraw and find someone else to talk to about it. Sex doesn’t have to be a dirty and shameful thing, and making children believe so will affect how they understand sex and intimacy for the rest of their lives. Create an open and accepting environment for your child to approach you with any questions they have, and talk to them frankly about why you would want them to wait before they have sex. Try not to use negative reinforcement, like anger, fear, guilt and punishment to control them, as this will draw them further away from you and denies you an opportunity to have a healthy relationship with them. Children at this age are much more developed emotionally and mentally than we give them credit for, and your ability to talk to them openly will reassure them that you’re there for them when there is a need.
