Not hearing “I’m proud of you” as a kid can land in the body in quiet ways. It may not show up as a single, dramatic wound, but as patterns that repeat in work, relationships, and self-talk. Many adults end up chasing approval, doubting themselves even when they are capable, or avoiding situations where they might be judged. These traits are not character flaws. Psychologists describe them as learned responses to growing up without enough emotional affirmation, and the good news is they can be unlearned.
Trait 1: A Shaky Sense of Identity
When “I’m proud of you” and similar encouragement is missing in childhood, many people do not just doubt what they can do. They doubt who they are. Over time, that can show up as a weak or inconsistent sense of identity, meaning not feeling clear on personal values, preferences, strengths, or what actually feels meaningful.
Dr. Cynthia Shaw, PsyD, says that one common outcome of not receiving positive affirmation is “a lack of identity or a clear sense of self.” She explains that when kids are not encouraged to explore interests and self-expression, or are met with indifference, they may grow up unsure about “who they are, what they like and what they believe in,” which can feed insecurity and low self-esteem.
In adulthood, this can look like frequently reshaping the self based on who is nearby, choosing careers or relationships mainly for approval, or feeling blank when asked simple questions like “What do you want?” or “What matters to you?” It can also lead to over-reliance on external feedback to decide whether a choice is right.
A useful way to spot it is that decisions feel less like choices and more like guesses, followed by checking other people’s reactions to confirm the decision was acceptable.
Trait 2: Chronic Self-Doubt
When a child rarely hears “I’m proud of you,” confidence often does not get reinforced through repetition. As an adult, that can show up as chronic self-doubt: assuming a choice is probably wrong, needing extra reassurance, and treating normal uncertainty as proof of incompetence.
Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., explains that without validation in childhood, people “struggle to trust their own instincts as adults.” Dr. Noëlle Santorelli, PhD, adds an important caveat that this dynamic can contribute to these patterns, but it is “typically not the only factor.” Temperament, other family stressors, school experiences, and adult pressures can all shape how self-doubt develops.
In real life, this often looks like over-preparing, rewriting messages repeatedly, delaying applications unless every box is checked, or asking several people to confirm a decision and then feeling more confused by mixed opinions. Over time, self-doubt can restrict growth more than a lack of skill does because it encourages indecision and avoidance.
A practical starting point is to rebuild self-trust through repetition. Choosing a low-stakes decision quickly, following through, and noting the outcome helps the brain relearn that most choices are workable, even when they are not perfect.
Trait 3: People-Pleasing Tendencies
People-pleasing is often a protection strategy. If praise and approval felt scarce or conditional, keeping others satisfied can start to feel like the safest way to stay connected and avoid criticism.
Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., describes this pattern as becoming “overly accommodating and avoid[ing] conflict so that they cannot be rejected.” Dr. Cynthia Shaw, PsyD, adds that people-pleasing can involve agreeing to things “even if it’s to their detriment” to get validation and a sense of belonging.
In adulthood, it can show up as automatically saying yes, taking on extra work to be seen as agreeable, over-explaining boundaries to prevent disappointment, or managing other people’s emotions as if they are personal responsibilities. The cost is usually burnout and resentment, plus relationships that feel uneven because personal needs are routinely placed last.
One small but effective shift is adding a pause before responding. Even a brief “Let me check my schedule and get back to you” creates space to choose rather than comply.
Trait 4: Emotional Suppression
When emotions were dismissed or punished in childhood, shutting them down can become the most reliable way to avoid shame or conflict. Dr. Crystal Saidi, Psy.D., explains that if expressing emotions results in dismissal or punishment, “emotional suppression becomes a coping mechanism.” As adults, people may struggle to identify, process, and express feelings, and may avoid vulnerability out of fear of being judged or misunderstood.
This can look like feeling numb during stressful events, staying busy so feelings never catch up, or going quiet during conflict and then replaying the conversation for days. Many people also struggle to name what they feel beyond “fine,” “stressed,” or “annoyed,” which makes it harder to ask for support in a clear way.
Suppression may reduce friction in the moment, but it often increases problems later. Unspoken needs pile up, and emotions leak out as irritability, withdrawal, or sudden overwhelm.
A practical first step is simple emotion labeling. Using plain language to name what is happening internally can lower intensity and make communication more direct without turning every moment into a deep conversation.
Trait 5: Perfectionism That Never Feels Like Enough
When praise was rare or only showed up after achievements, perfection can start to feel like the only reliable path to approval. The problem is that perfectionism is not the same as healthy effort. It is a moving target that keeps raising the bar.
Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., links this pattern to a continued need for the external validation that was missing earlier. She notes that perfectionism can create intense pressure, anxiety, and burnout, with people “overwork[ing] and avoid[ing] mistakes at all costs while feeling inadequate.” Dr. Cynthia Shaw, PsyD, adds that when affirmation is conditional, it is “easy for a child to believe that love is something that is earned,” which can lead to working excessively or overachieving to receive validation.
In adulthood, this can look like rewriting work far past the point of “good,” struggling to delegate, or avoiding new hobbies because being a beginner feels embarrassing. Even wins can feel brief, because the next standard is already waiting.
A useful reframe is shifting the goal from flawless outcomes to reliable processes, such as defining what “done” means before starting and stopping when that standard is met.
Trait 6: Imposter Syndrome Even After Real Success
Imposter syndrome is more than modesty. It is a persistent belief that success is not earned and will eventually be exposed. When “I’m proud of you” was missing, accomplishments may not register as evidence of ability.
Dr. Sanam Hafeez, Psy.D., explains that someone who did not receive validation growing up may feel like a fraud “even when they achieve success.” They may assume they “just gotten lucky” or are “faking it” because their worth and talents were never truly acknowledged as a child.
This often shows up in high-performing adults who dismiss praise, downplay promotions, or feel anxious after positive feedback because it raises the fear of future failure. It can also lead to overworking to “prove” competence, which feeds stress and makes success feel even more fragile.
One practical shift is learning to treat achievements as data. Keeping a brief record of outcomes, skills used, and positive feedback can help replace vague self-criticism with concrete evidence.
Trait 7: Difficulty Setting Boundaries
When a child’s needs were overlooked, it can teach a quiet lesson that needs are inconvenient or unsafe to express. As adults, that often becomes boundary trouble, saying yes when it hurts, staying too long in draining dynamics, or feeling guilty for asking for basic respect.
Dr. Crystal Saidi, Psy.D., says lack of validation can lead people to believe “their needs don’t matter.” As a result, they may agree to commitments they dread or struggle to leave unhealthy relationships. She adds that difficulty advocating for oneself can come from fear that boundaries will push people away.
This trait can overlap with people-pleasing, but boundaries are the point where the pattern becomes visible. It is the coworker who keeps adding “just one more thing,” the friend who only calls when they need help, or the partner who ignores limits and then acts offended when challenged.
A workable starting point is practicing small, clear limits without overexplaining. Simple statements like “That doesn’t work for me” or “I can do X, not Y” build the skill gradually and reduce the guilt spiral.
Trait 8: Fear Of Rejection That Limits Risk-Taking
When pride and affirmation were missing early on, rejection can feel less like a normal part of life and more like proof that something is wrong with the person. That can create a strong bias toward safety, where the goal becomes avoiding “no” rather than pursuing what matters.
Dr. Crystal Saidi, Psy.D., explains that if a child is not validated, they may later “overanalyze interactions and avoid any situations where they could potentially be rejected.” She adds that people may avoid risks in relationships, careers, or creative pursuits because rejection would confirm an existing belief that they are not good enough.
In adulthood, this often looks like staying quiet in meetings, not negotiating salary, avoiding dating or friendship bids, or waiting until a plan is “perfect” before sharing it. Even small actions like sending a networking message can feel loaded, because the brain treats rejection as a threat. The result is that life gets narrower over time, not because of lack of ability, but because of avoidance.
A practical way to loosen this pattern is to separate “rejection of a request” from “rejection of a person.” Building tolerance through small, low-stakes asks can help retrain that link.
Trait 9: Insecurity In Relationships
Early caregiving teaches the brain what to expect from closeness. Without consistent affirmation, many adults carry uncertainty about whether they are valued, which can make relationships feel unstable even when nothing is objectively wrong.
Dr. Alice Connors-Kellgren, PhD, explains that positive affirmation supports an internal model where kids “see themselves positively, see the world as a safe place and see other people as being sources of support,” which helps future emotional wellbeing and relationships. When that foundation is weaker, insecurity can follow into adult friendships and romantic partnerships. She notes that when someone did not receive positive affirmation as a child, they may have felt uncertain about the security of their relationship with a parent and may continue to experience that uncertainty later.
This can show up in different ways. Some people become reassurance-seeking, scanning for signs of distance and needing frequent confirmation. Others do the opposite and keep people at arm’s length, because needing someone feels too risky. Either way, the pattern often creates misunderstandings, since the person’s reactions are shaped by past learning, not just the present moment.
A useful step is to notice what triggers the insecurity and name it directly, rather than acting it out through withdrawal, testing, or over-apologizing.
Trait 10: Low Self-Esteem That Undercuts Opportunities
Low self-esteem is not simply disliking oneself. It shapes decisions, ambition, and what a person believes they are allowed to ask for. When “I’m proud of you” is absent, worth can feel unclear or conditional, and adulthood becomes a constant effort to earn value rather than recognize it.
Dr. Alice Connors-Kellgren, PhD, says, “Saying ‘I’m proud of you’ lets kids know that they have worth, both in who they are and their accomplishments.” Without that affirmation, she notes that kids and later adults “might wonder if they are worthy.” Dr. Noëlle Santorelli, PhD, adds that people may hold themselves back from opportunities because they developed a belief that they are not “good enough,” deserving, or worthy.
In practice, this can look like not applying for roles that are a stretch, accepting poor treatment because it feels familiar, discounting praise, or assuming success is a fluke that will not last. It can also make people choose overly “safe” paths to avoid the discomfort of being seen and evaluated.
Building self-esteem often starts with noticing patterns of self-discounting and replacing them with evidence-based self-assessment, ideally with support from trusted people or a mental health professional when needed.
