Sometimes it seems as if we’re giving too much love, that all the love we give doesn’t seem to be enough or even that the love we give is never recognized or appreciated.
That’s because there’s a difference between the intention of giving love and the manner in which we actually give it. Most of us simply act based on good intentions, but don’t think about the outcome of our actions. We often forget to consider the specific needs of the other and give love the way we ourselves wish to receive it.
When we are unaware of this self-oriented default setting of the mind, and have not yet managed to change it, we automatically apply our own perfect pictures without having eye for the personal reality of those we love. This makes us unconsciously selfish; in a way it’s about us, instead of about them, and they will likely experience it as such. Or at least experience it as us not being truly interested. That’s when giving love seems to be without result or even have an opposite effect, making the distance between us greater, instead of smaller.
This self-oriented outlook can also distort our view on how others give their love to us. No matter what or how they give, when it doesn’t fit our wishes, we might not recognize their attempts to send love our way. Or not even appreciate it; while their intentions are pure. To them we may even seem heartless, when in fact we are merely oblivious. As they may seem to us, from our point of view. Without understanding this, our endeavors can drive us further apart.
In addition to how we see other people’s efforts, they are, like us, probably also projecting their own personal preferences onto us as much as we are projecting ours onto them. We all live in our private reality for as long as we don’t venture to look beyond into the specific world of those we love; or anyone else for that matter. And as long as we are unaware of this, and of each other’s hopes and fears, the gap between us only widens.
Making the Connection
Loving someone doesn’t mean that we automatically connect. That bridge much be build, and once it’s constructed, it must be maintained. The heart wants what the heart wants, but it can’t always get there, unless the mind is used to show it the way. We must learn to understand each other to be able to customize how we engage with one another, in order to transform one-sided heart desires into mutual bonds for life.
Understanding each other helps us to embrace the creative side of love, instead of its destructive side. It prevents us from giving too much love in response of others taking theirs away; two behaviors that may cause each other when locked in a vicious circle. It may not even be about the amount of love you give, but about with what you give it. Giving attention to someone who needs a moment to themselves is, for example, a sure way to further divide. A creative kind of love is balanced, flows naturally and stands up for itself while leaving the other free.
Insight in each other’s world can be accomplished in different ways. You can contemplate it, talk about it, and experience it through trial and error while alternating your approach or simply by listening. Only once we know each other can we truly know what to give and when to keep or stop giving. And having this insight can also help us to not take mismatching acts of kindness personal and show appreciation for people’s intentions rather than their actions.
Redefining the Links between Us
Distinguish your love from the methods through which you pass it on. They are merely the electricity lines between power stations, and we can relay them however we want. Stop identifying yourself with the manner in which you share your love. Be open to change. Two hearts can’t connect, unless their power cords are modified to be plugged in on both sides; empowering one another, instead of simply draining each other from either side.
For love to thrive we must transform our unaware, personal set ways into consciously determined, shared patterns. Or even continually reestablish and redefine the links between us, depending on changing circumstances. Talk to each other, and keep talking. It’s the best way to keep the bond you share lasting and strong.