Sex is not all fun and games for lots of people. There can be a variety of problems that compel a couple to visit a sex therapist for help. Sexperts, however, tend to notice a repetition when it comes to certain issues. Here are some of the most common problems that find their way to a sex therapist’s office along with the most recommended solution for each.
5 Common Complaints Sex Therapists Hear All The Time
1. Decreased Sexual Desire
Problem: There are a large number of couples who complain about the complete lack of desire, either from one partner or from both.
Cause: Sexperts claim that sexual disconnect often stems from emotional disconnect. This usually sets in once couples find themselves trudging along to a fixed routine day after day, or when they harbor negative feelings towards each other because of some unresolved fight. It could also be because of the inability to accept certain issues from the past.
Solution: Trying a new routine or an activity out of the ordinary like going on a fancy date can help bring back the sparks. If emotional problems are the cause, talking things out with your partner can help resolve these issues. This will do away with all those negative emotions that are keeping you from having a healthy sex life.
2. Lack Of Emotional Connect
Problem: Often, couples talk about being unable to enjoy sex because they can’t seem to connect to their partners emotionally. This can be both one-sided or two-sided.
Cause: The root cause here is that there is too much focus on the quantity of sex, rather than on the quality. We make the mistake of thinking that having a lot of sex should automatically make the relationship stronger, and the emotional connect will follow, but in reality, both go hand in hand.
Couples may experience the emotional connection fading because we forget it requires time and effort from both ends. Living through a hectic work schedule and lifestyle leaves very little room for a person to connect with their own thoughts, let alone with those of their significant other. Over time, we lose those feelings of sensitivity and understanding when it comes to ourselves and to our partners. When this happens, we start shutting down both physically and sexually. Because emotions are more complex to observe and solve, we automatically blame our sex lives and tell ourselves that we aren’t having enough sex.
Solution: Looking into each other’s eyes is the quickest way to bring back the emotional connection between two individuals. Often, we do things (including sex) mechanically because our minds are constantly occupied with pending work and chores. Eye contact will force your brain to stop thinking and make it focus on the activity you’re doing with your partner. This will help both of you be more present and enjoy the moment you’re sharing with each other, automatically bringing back those emotions you thought you had lost for good. This strategy works great both in bed and out of it. So whether you’re having sex or holding a conversation with your partner at the breakfast table, focus on making more eye contact.
Another thing you can do is calling your partner by his or her first name, instead of a nickname that we eventually start flinging around casually. Our first name is one of the primary things that get embedded in our brain at an early stage, and this becomes our first our first associated link with emotional closeness and intimacy. Take advantage of this fact to revoke this same feeling in bed. It can do wonders in re-establishing a deep bond between you and your partner.
3. Partner Disliking Oral Sex
Problem: In most relationships, there’s usually one person who enjoys giving and receiving oral sex while the partner shows a lack of enthusiasm for the same.
Cause: This can be a tricky road to navigate.
Not everyone is used to oral sex. This could be due to a variety of factors. One, because the person simply hasn’t experienced oral sex and therefore, automatically finds it disgusting, to put it bluntly. Two, because the person just isn’t comfortable with his or her body, especially when it comes to those very private parts. Three, it could be a concern of hygiene or even taste.
Solution: If your partner is new to oral sex, be patient when introducing it in your sex life. You can’t expect your significant other to be okay with it overnight. Start by teaching your partner to slowly touch and explore the areas that become the main focus of oral sex. This will help establish a comfortable feeling of familiarity with those parts of the body.
If body odor and hygiene is the issue, you could suggest taking a shower together before having sex. This will not only spice things up for the two of you but will also make your partner feel more confident and assured.
If it’s taste that’s turning your partner off, bring other flavors into the mix by making use of whipped cream, strawberries, honey, or chocolate sauce. Apply these around the penis, or on the outer lips of the vagina before using your mouth down there. Always remember, however, to never put foods into the vagina, as this may cause infection.
4. Inability To Orgasm (Mainly For Women)
Problem: Most women complain about not being able to orgasm the ‘real way’ that is, through sex. This either makes them disappointed in their partner, or insecure about themselves, since they think there is something wrong with their bodies.
Cause: The root cause of this problem is not knowing which part of the vagina to stimulate. It is the clitoris, not the vagina that houses the convergence of all those sexual and pleasure nerve endings. Locating the clitoris is the first step, but even then, it’s rarely half the battle won. Statistics claim that only 15-20 percent of all women reach the ‘big O’ during intercourse, but even then, there is a lot of work that goes into achieving it – either through manual, oral or vibratory stimulation.
Solution: Firstly, it is important for women to stop obsessing about achieving an orgasm. Climaxing is not the primary goal of having sex, rather, establishing intimacy and connection with your partner should be the main focus. Once this obsession stops, a woman will be able to enjoy the sex with her partner a lot more, instead of ending up feeling disappointed later.
Second, knowing that it’s difficult for all women in general to orgasm will help stop a woman from feeling insecure about her body, which could actually put her off from having sex altogether.
Third, explore your body to learn more about your clitoris and what kind of stimulation works the best for you. Not all men know how to make a woman orgasm. If you know what helps you climax, you can teach your partner to pleasure you better. You could also try new sex positions that bring about good G-spot-penile contact. You could try going woman-on-top by sitting yourself on your partner’s penis at a 45-degree angle, or by lying down on a firm surface and propping your hips upwards (you could do this by hooking your legs onto your partner’s arms) as your significant other proceeds with penetration.
5. Parenthood Causing Sex To Be Sidelined
Problem: Couples very often find themselves at a sex therapist’s door after becoming new parents, complaining about how having a baby has caused their sex life to either fade considerably, or come to a complete halt.
Cause: Whether you’re having your first baby or a third, bringing a new member into the family is a huge responsibility and brings in a lot of stress and added effort. Your sex life is very often the first things to take a backseat.
Even if parents do manage to steal a little time for the bedroom, the woman complains about feeling ‘too loose’ down there, and therefore, being unable to enjoy sex. Plus, going into labor is not an easy task. Very often, women incur physical injuries while giving birth, and certain conditions like postpartum depression can further result in being sexually disinterested.
Another thing that could be the cause of this problem is a woman feeling insecure about her body after labor. Stretch marks, strangely shaped breasts, and weight gain can make a woman feel she is unattractive to her partner, and this can put her off sex completely.
Solution: For a vagina that feels loose, doing kegel exercises – about 20 reps thrice a day can be effective in making that those loose muscles tight. Trying things like sex toys, mutual masturbation, and oral sex can also help with sexual pleasure without really having intercourse.
Also, just because you’re parents now, doesn’t mean you have to devote all your time to your baby. You shouldn’t feel guilty about taking some time out for yourselves, in fact, this may benefit you as parents even more by taking your mind off things. So go ahead and hire a sitter, and take some time to get dressed up for a date like you used to. This will help re-ignite the spark.
If you, as a woman, are insecure of your body post-birth, know that it is only a natural process and that every woman’s body is bound to change after labor. Allowing your sex life to slide because of your insecurities will only cause personal problems later on, so you want to nip the problem in the bud right away. Spend time on yourself like you used to by taking care of yourself, your skin, and your hair. Indulge yourself with a hot bath or a body massage every once in awhile. It is also possible to get back into shape with the right kind of diet and exercise if you really want to. All of this will help you regain your confidence and hopefully, bring you back in the mood to have sex with your significant other.