Aren’t others often too quick to judge a woman who chooses to stay with an emotionally (and at times physically) abusive partner? “You are being stupid”, they tell you. “Why can’t you think straight?”, they ask in disbelief. Why would anyone voluntarily stay with a person who does not treat them well, they wonder. Believe it or not, it is not easy to let go of someone you love. But chances are that the same “love” is slowly killing you. The toxic relationship you choose to stay in will gradually rob you of every ounce of happiness you have and make you a victim of PTSD.
1. A Very Normal, Even Romantic Beginning
Majority of abusive relationships do not start off on an abusive note. There is always love and romance in the beginning. Chances are that he is the most charming guy you have ever met. His possessiveness would make you secretly happy. His short temper would seem exciting. He got angry? So what, he’s just passionate. He doesn’t let you go out with your friends? That’s okay, it is because he is concerned. He raised his voice? It’s fine, because it was your fault. The list will slowly start getting longer, without you even noticing it, and so would the excuses you make for him.
2. Trying Your Best To Keep Things From Falling Apart
The first thing every woman who is in love would try is to work things out, to keep the ugly side hidden, to ignore the fact that everything is not fine. A dig at your expense in front of his friends, shouting at you in front of the children, finding fault with everything you do- everything is buried deep inside you. You tell yourself he is just having a bad day. When he slaps you for the first time, you are shocked, but you decide to let it pass- it is because he cares, you try to convince yourself. You start wearing long sleeves to cover your bruises, your bloodshot eyes become constantly hidden behind your shades. You start making excuses to skip social events. You cut contacts. Your friends isolate you…
3. Finding Reasons To Stay
You tell yourself you are staying in the name of love- won’t it be weak to just throw all this away just because he gets angry now and then? You hang back, thinking it’s for the children- how could my children grow up without their father? You cling on because you are financially unstable-what would I do without a job? You suffer silently thinking what would others say. The reasons to stay will be endless, though it is very clear the primary thing you ought to do is leave.
4. What It Does To You
Living with someone that is abusive can mess with your mind and body. It can emotionally cripple you, rob you of self esteem, and make you forget what it was to be happy. You may stay, thinking you are doing it for the children, but there is a bigger possibility of you scarring them for life by forcing them to live in an abusive environment. There is even a chance that you stay because your partner has drilled in the idea that you are worthless without him; that you won’t make it on your own.
5. When It’s High Time To Take A Decision
One day you open your eyes and you realize you are neck deep in water. The little droplets you thought were harmless have joined together, flooding your life. You look in the mirror and see a stranger who has forgotten how to smile, whose eyes have lost their luster, who stopped dreaming a long time ago, who put her whole life on pause to save a relationship that is not worth saving. You come in terms with the fact that your relationship has been poisoning you for years, slowly pushing you over the edge. What happened to the strong, independent woman who used to be in charge of of her life once upon a time?
6. Realizing That PTSD Is Slowly Creeping Upon You
Often it’s the psychological abuse that shatters the willpower of a woman. Black eyes and bloody noses would heal, but the emotional scars would never fade away. It won’t be long before you are overcome by stress and depression. PTSD would drain all life out of you. The key is to get help as soon as you realize your life is spiraling before you. Go for therapy, get counselled, convince yourself that you are strong enough to leave, vow that your sons would never have to witness their father abusing their mother again, promise yourself that your daughters need to grow up without fear, tell yourself it is okay to let go.
Most importantly, realize the fact that you stayed because you were strong, and that it’s high time you moved on- you don’t have to prove anything to anyone…be your own hero and find happiness yourself.
